


The Great Toilet Paper Famine of 2020

by moroiulmeu



Category: Supernatural
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-07
Updated: 2020-05-07
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:21:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24048097
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moroiulmeu/pseuds/moroiulmeu
Summary: Come on... You didn't think someone wasn't going to, did you? (EDIT: Part two in the works.)
Comments: 7
Kudos: 12





	The Great Toilet Paper Famine of 2020

**Author's Note:**

> It could be longer but it was just for fun. Who knows, it could continue.

The Great Toilet Paper Famine of 2020

"SAM! I GOT IT!" Dean cried triumphantly from the end of the asile, holding up a roll of America's now most prized possession, toilet paper.  
"Oh thank, God!" Sam breathed from the other end, "Dean, look out!"  
SLAM!  
"Jim, I got it!" Cried the old woman who had knocked Dean out with her walker.  
"Damn it..." Sam muttered, rubbing his face, "Back to square one. Or... No squares."

2020 was not on anyone's list, least of all the Four Horsemen, to say that the virus and man made shortage was planned would be incorrect, at least as far as Famine knew. He had seen a lot of things like this over time, hell, he had caused many of them. Crops here, water there, it was all part of the bigger scheme of things, keeping the flora and fauna in check, maintaining the balance of the world, just as Death did, just as Pestilence did... If there was one thing that had yet to make it onto Famine's list of possible shortages to cause it was toilet paper, yet somehow here the world was.  
Irritated was not the word for what Famine was, having a shortage caused by humanity's hubris pinned on him. He did, above all, strive for some sort of ethical basis, but he had a suspicion or two on those who did not.  
Back on his feet now he had decided to hunt down his brothers, having questions for at least Pestilence given the situation at hand, though it hardly seemed to be his modus operandi. It had taken him awhile but he had caught wind of both Pestilence and War in one of the southern states frequenting what appeared at least at first glance to be a ramshackle old barn in the middle of nowhere, Oklahoma.  
Having spent hours on the road Famine was even less thrilled at having to take hours more to stake the place out and wait for their reappearance. He contented himself with growing, killing and reviving a nearby field for a short time, before, terribly bored, he decided to investigate the barn. He briefly considered being gentle with the place, but changed his mind and ripped the lock clean off the barn before pushing the door open.  
There wasn't a lot that surprised the horseman, having been around long since the dawn of time, in fact, most of the horsemen considered themselves long past the age of surprised, but surprised was exactly what Famine was as he stood surveying the largest stock of toilet paper he had ever seen.  
The stream of oaths came out in a wide variety of languages, both human and not, and it was then he heard the sounds of a large vehicle approaching. Silently steaming Famine strode out to meet the subjects of choice words.  
Neither Pestilence or War suspected much as they both got out of the cab of a large shipping truck, nor did they notice Famine standing at the doors at first. It wasn't until they noticed the dead grass underneath their feet that they looked up.  
"Famine!" Pestilence greeted cheerily, handing a roll of toilet paper off to War who tried to hide it behind his back, "What a pleasant surprise!"  
"Do you want to tell me just what it is the two of you are doing? I should send you both straight to Purgatory!"  
Pestilence and War exchanged glances.  
"Toilet paper?" War offered, holding out the roll.  
"Was this the plan all along? Create a virus to steal their toilet paper?"  
"What? No! I didn't create the virus, probably, you know, just some plague entities raised by internet witches over last election or something! It wasn't me, I swear!" Pestilence cried.  
"You're both dead, " Famine growled.  
"DEATH!" War shouted, "DEATH SAVE US!"  
"You're in Oklahoma, no one can hear you scream."  
"IT WASN'T US, WE SWEAR!" Pestilence squalled.  
"DEATH HE'S GOING TO KILL US!"  
"It's worse than that..." Famine promised.

As a horseman Famine often considered he had all the time in the world, which, he reflected, meant he hadn't exactly wasted any tying Pestilence and War up in every last roll of toilet paper they had hoarded. He idly wondered if they had anything to say underneath it all, he had stopped being able to hear their shrieking awhile ago.  
"Did you learn anything from this?" He drawled from where he sat atop the toilet paper mound.  
"Probably not," replied a different voice.  
"Ah, Death..." Famine returned affectionately.  
The fourth horseman leaned against the doorway of the barn with a smile.  
"Do you know I was summoned today?"  
"Unusual..."  
"Sam and Dean Winchester... Looking for answers to the toilet paper shortage a few towns over. They seemed to think we might be attached."  
"Well, your culprits are a little tied up right now."  
"Oh, thank God!" cried a familiar voice, as Dean ran into the barn and seized a handful of toilet paper, "Sam! SAMMY WE'RE SAVED! I told you calling Death was a good idea!"  
"You're welcome," Famine said drily.  
"What? No, hey man, this is probably your fault, isn't that your thing?"  
"Not in this instance..."  
"That's a lot of toilet paper... Heya.... Dean... You know, we could hand this out."  
"Saaam, why hand it out when you can toilet paper every house in the South?" Dean grinned.  
"Calling Death was a bad idea," Death observed.

"Pestilence..." came War's voice from the bathroom hours later.  
"Yes, War?" Pestilence grumbled, watching the stream of news reports about South wide house TPing.  
"They took all of our toilet paper..."  
"Every last scrap... If you say 'This means War' one more time I'm disowning you."  
"... Pestilence?"  
"Yes, War?"  
"This means war."


End file.
